I’m a rational guy, so I like to think there are reasons for all major phenomena. Even for something like homosexuality, which seems to run completely counter to the survival of our species. You’d think that the predisposition to be gay would have been weeded out by natural selection back when we were apes in Africa. So why do we have people being born gay, in seemingly greater numbers every year? I think it’s genetic birth control.
Let me explain.
Back when we were apes in Africa, one of our big problems was finding enough food. If pickings got scarce, or if the tribe got big, everybody got stressed. Most importantly, pregnant women got stressed. Stress can do weird things to pregnant women and unborn babies. How? I’m no scientist, but I believe it goes something like this:
Stomach: FEED ME!
Brain: Dude, I’m doing what I can, but we’re in the middle of a drought and there are like twenty other soccer ape-moms in this tribe.
Uterus: I’ve got a kid here, what the hell am I supposed to do?
Brain: Well, there’s nothing we can do for us now, but maybe we can help out the next ape generation.
Uterus: You mean like cutting back on social security?
Brain: No, no, we’re part of an ape not a baby-boomer! Can’t you flip a switch or something to kill the kid’s sex drive? If he doesn’t have kids, it’ll be easier for his generation.
Uterus: Kill his libido, are you kidding? That’s like saying “Can’t society exist without taxes?”
Brain: Again. You’re way ahead of the times, but point taken. What if you just redirected the kid’s sex drive? If he likes other ape men, he won’t have kids himself.
Uterus: Won’t that pretty much screw his sex life? (No pun intended.)
Brain: Yeah, but hey, sometimes ya gotta take one for the tribe.
Uterus: Alright, I’ll jigger around with the control board here, but I ain’t promising anything. I might make him gay, or I might make him the first T.S. Eliot.
The organs all shudder.
Brain: Thank the Apelord poetry hasn’t been invented yet.